I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
