Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
