So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
