whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
