I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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