So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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