tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
not ubering you a puppy
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
