smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
