I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
