Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
