theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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