I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
