i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
