Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Let's paint friendship bongs
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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