Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
