my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
