dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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