Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
