I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
