I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
