when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
