I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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