i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
