I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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