yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
