my sisters under your porch take her home
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
