you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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