she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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