i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
