I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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