Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
