I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
