Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
