Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
