Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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