FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
