Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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