my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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