whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
