it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
