You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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