hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
