saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
