he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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