what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
