nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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