I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
