My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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