You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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