Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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