So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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