Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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