i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
