I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
