obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
