So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
