This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
