im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
